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happy you’re happy

Sep29
happy you're happy

your smile ♡ i’m glad to see it! even if some of your friends have left the team, i know that you are resilient enough not to worry about the things that made them want to. miss u and hope to see u soon

maybe we could, this time.

Sep26
maybe we could, this time.

maybe i thought it was you i saw through the window, and maybe it was. maybe you looked back at me, the way we used to do. maybe i wanted it to be. maybe my longing has lead me to believe that you were there. maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. maybe, though, they weren’t. we’ve been apart for months. we might not recognize each other right away. we’ll come together again, eventually, won’t we? we have to. we will. could it have been you? could you have managed to be in the right place, simply at the wrong time? could you be waiting to see me, too? could it all have been worth it? this time i want to believe it. this time you and i could just talk. this time we could start all over again, except you’d be aware of the circumstances. this time, it’s going to be us. are we going to make it? maybe we could, this time.

anxiety baby

Aug29

i’m not sure if this is a journal entry or a poem, but here goes nothing.

    i think you’re so cool. you really give a damn, and i think that’s awesome. when i think of you, i think about how much i miss you. but, in eight days, i will get to see you again. eight fucking days. that’s like hanukkah, but for the heart. i am SO anxious. like, i want to see you. i want to say hi. i want to surprise you on your birthday and somehow not have that be weird or awkward that i know what your birthday is (but don’t blame me, blame the athletics department! they posted it. not me. the only things i post are blog entries.) i wish you knew how awesome i think you are. you have a fucking job. at school. that’s awesome. yes, i have been watching a little too much how i met your mother lately, so pardon the barney-isms. at least i fought the urge to call you legendary.
   watching himym reminds me of how much i miss my friends. i miss hanging out with them and talking about the drama we have to report on for the chronicle (super secret goss, sorry b.) i know i write a lot to you. it’s a little weird, yes. but i thought i’d stop sending you emails you’re not going to read and instead post blog entries for other people to read. i don’t want the people at the gym reading my emotional messages to the boy i like. man? guy? i don’t know. you’re almost nineteen. what’s that? or are you almost twenty? i actually don’t know.
    there’s a lot i don’t know about you. i wish i did. i wish i knew what made you want to do what you want to do in life. outlook says your major is ‘health sciences’ but hell if i know what that means. i want to know how you got into basketball. was it because of your dad? does your dad like basketball? what is that logo for? the one on your beanie and the sticker on your laptop. i noticed it the first time i saw you. and your eyes. i noticed how blue they were. are. who has blue eyes in your family? are these questions weird? being autistic definitely affects the things i want to know about people. i want to know the middle name of literally everyone i have ever met. middle names are cool. i know nothing about yours. except for what classes and outlook tell me; it starts with d. i feel like i’ll just end up building all this suspense and then you’ll tell me it’s david. which is my dad’s name. i don’t know how i’d feel about that.
    there is one question, though, that is apparently what will make or break the state of our relationship. (in a general sense, not necessarily a romantic relationship). would you ever consider going out with me? i was told by someone much wiser and more experienced than i am that this is the first question i should ask before i get it in my head that we have any sort of romantic chemistry. being your friend would be absolutely amazing, but i’d like to know if there’s any more to our story– if there is an “our story”. so, b, when i see you next week, say hi. just hi. anything else is up to you, but i’d really appreciate a greeting. okay, bye, b. you’re the coolest. in the geekiest, smartest way, you’re awesome. keep being awesome (and i don’t mean that in an awkwardly signing your yearbook in seventh grade because i might have unresolved feelings for you kind of way).

love

Aug1

is it love? is it admiration? is it infatuation?

all i know is that i like you.
i miss you, and i like you.
b, if you ever see this, which i doubt you will, just know i was thinking of you. 

beach bum

Apr12

ocean eyes and sandy hair

he’s the beach of people

and i don’t even like the beach

but i like him

i like him a lot

i think he’s special

and unique

i wish he’d take a break

from following his friends around

and explore the world on his own

you could get lost in those ocean eyes

and i would

we all need someone special

someone bright eyed and kindhearted

i had so hoped mine would be him

perhaps there’s still a chance

sequel to a daydream

Apr12

sequel to a daydream

that she had months ago

the storyline is different

the world is new and magical

more than she has ever wanted

she finds a new ideal

a little dream to keep her satisfied

for as long as she’s afraid

she could never say a thing

not one word to him

of course

this time she is not shaking

because this boy does make her nervous

but not like the one before

her poetry is somber

not full of utter glee

yet even though she wants to

she’d never let the feeling out

the seashells in his eyes

and the sandy beaches in his hair

she seems to think it’s worth it

and life won’t get in the way

but the sequel to this daydream

is happier and kind

the sort to make her feel things

no matter how hard she tries

avoidance is the safest

the route to keep the status quo

nothing makes her feel this way

and she wants to let him know

something i wish i could say

Apr12

this is for you, 23.

i don’t know why, but i like you.

i like your smile.

your eyes, the color of seashells.

i like the way you seem to always know what’s next.

you’re prepared for anything, i guess.

i like that you care.

i like something about you.

but i can’t figure out what it is.

so i guess i will wait and see.

because all i can think about is you, 23.

so much for a productive afternoon.

i wish i could tell you all of this.

but i can’t.

not yet.

not now.

i need a nap.

an early summer day

Apr12
i let myself get too attached and fell so hard for you
if only i had kept up my guard i wouldn’t feel so broken
just the pure stupidity of hearing another girl’s name
that makes me feel like nothing more than an afterthought
even if it means nothing to you and the context proves important
i wish i could just understand the way you see me from the outside
the perspective i need to get inside your head
i want to see your face and know that it’ll all be worth the while
for all i need and all i know is i feel so lost and alone today
the day i so looked forward to, out in the warm summer breeze
the summer that came three months early
the summer that could mean so much
for me, for you, for what it’s worth
i wish i could be with you

pain (physical)

Mar1
my ankle aches as any ankle would that has been twisted and hurt
i wish it would stop and let me live my life
let me write my essay and not cry over it
even though perhaps i would do that anyway
i think about how he walked behind me
and then in front of me
remembering how he was just then and there
because for the next four days that memory is all i have
and the pain in my foot that won’t go away
i dream of him and wonder why he makes me feel so nice
the world is my oyster and the pearl, his name is…
this isn’t a rhyming poem shhhh
give me a reason not to worry about my foot
give me a smile and a laugh
tell me everything gets better from here
and i’ll believe you